the market

October 6th, 2008

2008-10-06T20:22:00.002-07:00

What did Bach give out to kids for Halloween?

Cello Sweets.

October 5th, 2008

2008-10-06T20:22:00.001-07:00

Have you ever found a fly in your beer?

Once in a Blue Moon.

October 5th, 2008

2008-10-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

October 4th, 2008

2008-10-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

Who wants a beer that's spat in?

October 3rd, 2008

2008-10-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

There's a growing concern for dwarves.

October 2nd, 2008

2008-10-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

You can tell I'm anemic by my wrinkly clothes.

October 1st, 2008

2008-10-01T17:55:00.001-07:00

Did you know every tenth person is frustrated about their lisp?

September 30th, 2008

2008-09-30T14:21:00.001-07:00

I got a tattoo of Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters on my butt. I realize now it was a bad idea, but I guess hindsight is 20/20.

September 29th, 2008

2008-09-29T16:21:00.001-07:00

Everyone was excited when I mortgaged an elementary school, but by the time I paid off the principal, interest went down.

September 28th, 2008

2008-09-29T04:26:00.000-07:00

She thought I was going to install her lazy susan, but instead I studied elements on the merry-go-round. My, how the tables have turned.

September 27th, 2008

2008-09-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

Eastern Dieties bought a house and decided to do some chores. Buddha made apple pie, Allah mowed.

September 26th, 2008

2008-09-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

I saw an angel lighting a cigarette. It was a match made in heaven.

September 25th, 2008

2008-09-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

I had signaled the S.O.S. so many times, I was beginning to feel remorse.

September 24th, 2008

2008-09-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

For crying out loud, take some anti-depressants.

September 23rd, 2008

2008-09-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

My wife stole my secret coffee formula and sold it to my competitor!

"That's grounds for divorce."

September 22nd, 2008

2008-09-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

I was wondering, am I a nomad?

This isn't working.

2008-09-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

September 21st, 2008

2008-09-20T18:36:00.002-07:00

T.G. Lee CEO John Malen announced the company will be taken over by his son, Ralph Malen, who is a real horses ass. Regardless, he will be the dairy heir.

September 20th, 2008

2008-09-20T18:34:00.002-07:00

"Finally," said the liposuction surgeon, "Only a little weight left." He had hardly any patients left that day.

September 19th, 2008

2008-09-20T18:34:00.001-07:00

I finally solved the case of the missing brooch.

"Well, don't try to pin it on me!"

September 18th, 2008

2008-09-18T04:56:00.002-07:00

It just dawned on me, this dish soap is leaking!!!

September 17th, 2008

2008-09-18T04:56:00.001-07:00

On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely is it that you just weighed yourself for 9 hours?

September 16th, 2008

2008-09-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

If you're chosen to pick the best baby goose feathers, I would recommend starting from the top down.

September 15th, 2008

2008-09-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

Do you want any spice for the apple split on your head?

"Only thyme, Will Tell."

September 14th, 2008

2008-09-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

My cat lost his nine lives respectively at 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, and 19. Some say he lived a full life, but I think he was cut down in his prime.

September 13th, 2008

2008-09-13T03:55:00.000-07:00

If you're looking to take northeast Africa by surprise. The best way is to attack all of the Sudan.

September 12th, 2008

2008-09-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to research Atlantis because it is officially listed as "City of Atlantis" and because all of it's records are under "c".

September 11th, 2008

2008-09-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

He couldn't bring himself to ride underground in a vehicle full of people. They later diagnosed him with carpool-tunnel syndrome.

September 10th, 2008

2008-09-10T19:00:00.001-07:00

I've invented scissors that glow in the dark. It's shear brilliance.

September 9th, 2008

2008-09-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Ike is expected to hit somewhere between Texas and Mexico. My guess...Texaco.

September 8th, 2008

2008-09-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

The horse parliament has never passed a bill.

September 7th, 2008

2008-09-07T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was there to pitch my do-it-yourself orthodontics. I said, "You might want to brace yourself."

September 6th, 2008

2008-09-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

If you're moving a piano down from top storage and have the choice of using a ladder or a forklift, I would recommend the latter.

September 5th, 2008

2008-09-05T19:25:00.000-07:00

What are the odds of you telling me the time?

"Ten to one"

That's pretty good, what time is it?

"12:50"

September 4th, 2008

2008-09-04T04:59:00.000-07:00

I think people with two butts are better than people with just one. Maybe I'm just biased.

September 3rd, 2008

2008-09-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

I really don't like the guy that sold me this crappy hand-stamp. He just made a bad first impression on me.

National Disasters are no time for compliancy.

2008-09-02T14:28:00.000-07:00

September 2nd, 2008

2008-09-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

I recently read a book about 7-up's mascot turning away from communism. It's called, "Ex-Marx...the Spot"

September 1st, 2008

2008-09-01T21:46:00.001-07:00

Do you think it would be hard to describe that dessert?

Nah, it's a piece of cake.

August 31st, 2008

2008-08-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you cross an ocean with a pilgrim? Across.

August 30th, 2008

2008-08-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Before Martin Luther King, Jr. worked with the civil rights movement, he had a job giving away road maps. Often times you would hear him on a street corner yelling, "FREE ATLAS, FREE ATLAS!"

Angry Stock Art

2008-08-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

When stock art turns bad, the results aren't pretty.

August 29th, 2008

2008-08-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

When I started art class my biggest rival was a boy in a plastic bubble. By the time we graduated though, I could draw circles around him.

Little children love stomach!

2008-08-28T16:34:00.000-07:00

The best part is the stomach section.

August 28th, 2008

2008-08-28T16:33:00.001-07:00

Doctor, you have to help me, I have an incredibly slow reaction time. "Don't worry, I'll have you cured before you know it!"

Vet Logo

2008-08-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

I added the captions.

August 27th, 2008

2008-08-27T14:35:00.001-07:00

A man almost lost a bowling tournament because he was eating another helping of dinner instead of knocking down the last pin. He made it with seconds to spare.

August 26th, 2008

2008-08-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

I heard there's a politician who wants to make it mandatory that everyone wears non-mainstream necklaces. I don't know about you, but this year I'm voting Indie-pendant party.

2008-08-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

A whole chinese menu reading "Expired until Sep. 1, 2009" Talk about something to look forward to...

August 25th, 2008

2008-08-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

I had to take anti-depressants after they criticized the screenplay I had yet to write. It was a pre-script shun.

Commencement

2008-08-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to do this forever. I've been told to create this a thousand times. Yet, I get the feeling this will not draw much attention. That's okay. It's basically a more accessible version of an idea in practice for the last year. 30 people belong to a text message group to which I send a joke/riddle/etc. a day. I don't make any on the weekend. But I might start. My challenge is to continue feat inevitably. The English language is seemingly bottomless when it comes to humor, and the best part is, it wasn't even trying. I will explain the rest later, but to start right I will post the actual joke sent out today (this doesn't really warrant starting with a bang, but I guess you have to start somewhere).